Sunday, November 1, 2009

Why Do Butch Women Want to Act Like Men?

Do butch women want to be men? Why would someone want to look like or imitate a man? If I wanted to date a man, I would.

Answer: These are just some of the statements I have heard in reference to butch women.

I find that in the lesbian community there is a lot of ignorance and often intolerance of people who are interested in exploring the more masculine side of themselves.

I am not totally sure where it comes from, but my guess is it stems from internalized homophobia -- people who are concerned with how gays and lesbians look to the outside world. Those same people who have a problem with butch-looking women, also don’t like to see the “flamboyant” gay men represented in the media.

But the truth is, these representations are just part of the diversity of who we are as a LGBT community. As well as the straight community. One of my best friends is a very butch straight woman. (Who gets mistaken for lesbian often, especially when she’s hanging out with me!) She is very aware of how she presents and claims it has to do with being raised on a farm. She could be right, but then again, her sister who was raised on the same farm is very feminine.

I also think it is important to acknowledge that we all have elements of masculine and feminine within us, no matter what our sexual orientation. Just like there is a Kinsey Scale of sexual orientation, which goes across a spectrum, there is a scale of gender expression.

It is my opinion that being butch, femme or somewhere in between is an inborn trait, much like sexual orientation. Personally, I was acting like a tomboy, never liked dresses or dolls, long before I had any inkling of what being a lesbian was. I did not choose to be this way, simply who I was born to be.

Some butches love to work on cars, watch football and do projects around the house. Others do not. Some femmes like to work on cars, watch football and do projects around the house.

Butches are women. They do not want to be men. People who are born women and want to be men are called transsexuals.

Butches are women who feel comfortable expressing the masculine side of themselves.

Question: Do Butch Women Like to Be Touched Sexually?

Answer: The simple and easy answer is there is more than one kind of butch lesbian. Hell the person you saw in the bar may not even identify as butch. You really can’t judge a book by it’s cover.

For some being a butch has to do with how they are in bed. For others it is more how they present themselves to the world or how they feel on the inside. You might look at someone as say, "She's butch" based on how she looks, but she might not identify that way at all.

Some butches are very into the butch/femme dichotomy and are only attracted to other femmes. Others only like to date other butches. Some don't have a preference one way or another

How do I know I'm Lesbian?

How do I know I'm Lesbian?

Answer: I wish there were an easy answer to the question, "Am I a lesbian?" but there is not. I think that people can be attracted to different people at different points in their lives. You admit that you are attracted to both males and females. Have you considered that you might be bisexual?

You are wondering if it is a phase. Even if it is a phase, that is no reason to discount where you are right now. You may find as you get older you are attracted to one sex more than the other. Or you may continue to be attracted to both sexes.

You will know you are a lesbian when you are ready to label yourself as one. For now, just be 17 and unsure. It's really okay.

As you continue to figure it out, here are some things to consider:

•When you are with a girl you are attracted to, does your belly do flip-flops?

•When you hear love songs on the radio, do you think of guys or girls?

•Who do you fantasize about?

•If you have the choice of spending time with a girl you like or a boy you like, which do you choose?

•Who do you enjoy kissing more? Men or women?

•Please don't think you have to sleep with someone to figure it out. While sex is a big part of sexual orientation, it is not the only part. Listen also with your heart and your head.

Be easy on yourself. In time you will figure it out. Coming out is one of the hardest things a person will ever do. I encourage you to talk with supportive friends, read books with gay and lesbian characters, attend a gay youth or coming out support group.

Am I a lesbian? But many heterosexual and bisexual women ask themselves the same question and come away with a different answer. So, how do you know if you are a lesbian or if you're just curious?

If I only had a dollar for every time I've been asked this question, I would be a rich woman today! Struggling with one's sexual attractions is very common and not just with young people. I hear just as often from women who have been married 20 years or more. But at age 19, relax and give yourself time to explore your feelings.

I know many of you are looking for cut and dried ways to determine your sexual orientation. Perhaps a quiz you can take. If only it were that easy!! Unfortunately, determining your sexual orientation is not that simple. It is something that will take time and self-reflection to determine. Talking to a therapist or a lesbian coming out group may help.

Some women identify as lesbian after having feelings for one woman. Others wait to label themselves only afters years of attractions and relationships with other women. Some will remain attracted to both men and women and call themselves bisexual.

The important thing to remember is that your sexual orientation is not something you can choose. You can, however, choose to act on it or not. If you are happily married and find yourself attracted to a female friend, it might be quite alarming to discover that you are bisexual. But it does not mean that you need to act on those feelings.

Okay, having said that. How do you know if you are a lesbian or not? Consider the following:

•Are your feelings for women stronger than your feelings for men?

•Do you get more excited about the idea of kissing a man or kissing a woman?

•Who do you see yourself settling down with in the future?

•Are you more physically attracted to men's or women's bodies?

•Who do you fantasize about more, men or women?

Answering these questions may help you figure out what your sexual orientation is. You may be lesbian, bisexual or straight. My best advice to you is to be patient with yourself. Whereas it is empowering to label yourself, the process of being sure is much more important.

Remember whether you are lesbian, straight or bisexual you will be most happy and fulfilled if you live a life true to yourself.

How do I know if I’m a lesbian or not?

Lesbians are women who are attracted to other women. This can be a physical attraction, emotional attraction or sexual attraction. If you’re a woman attracted to women, you might be a lesbian. Or you might be bisexual or you might simply be a straight women who is attracted to a friend. It may take you some time to determine which one you are.

Some women claim to have known from a very early age that they were lesbian, or at least knew that there was something “different” about themselves. Others don’t come out until their forties, fifties and even later, after having spent years in a heterosexual marriage. Whatever your situation, what is most important is that you’re taking the time now to try and figure it out and get to know yourself better.

I think I’m a lesbian, but I’ve never had sex with a girl.

That’s okay. Most straight people know that they are attracted to the opposite sex before they ever actually have sex. There’s no need to rush to have sex to “find out” if you’re a lesbian or not. Do what feels natural to you.

What percentage of the population is lesbian?

A statistic like that is hard to figure out. There’s no census form that counts gay and lesbian people. And even if there were, people have good reason to keep things like that under wraps. Even though we’ve made some strides in the last decade, in most states it is still legal to fire someone because they are gay or lesbian.

A study of human sexuality in the 1950s determined that most people have some degree of attraction to both sexes. The generally accepted figure is that ten percent of the population is gay or lesbian.

Is lesbianism normal?

Lesbianism is normal for lesbians. You cannot determine who you are attracted to any more than you can determine the color of your eyes.

How do I meet other lesbians?

Where can I turn for more help?

The internet is a great resource. Spend some time browsing these pages. If you’re under 21, check out the youth resources. Read about bisexuality. If you’re Black, Asian, Latina or Native American, check out the resources for Lesbians of color.

How to Cure Lesbian Bed Death and Keep Passion Burning

How to Cure Lesbian Bed Death and Keep Passion Burning

I don’t think lesbians are the only ones who suffer from “bed death.” But lesbians sure do have a reputation for losing the libido after a few years together. Does your relationship have to end up in bed death? No! Not if you don’t want it to. But like most things, sustaining a healthy sexual relationship takes work. Here are some tips for keeping sex in your lesbian relationship.

1. Keep it Sweet

I once heard lesbian sex expert Joann Loulan say, if you’re bickering about the dishes and dirty laundry, you aren’t going to be getting any. As women, most of us are especially sensitive. If you want to get your sweetie in the mood, treat her sweetly. Don’t dig on her for little things. Remind her daily of all the reasons you love her.

Here are some tips to keep love alive.

2. Make Sex Dates

If you want to keep romance alive, you make romantic dates with her. If you want to keep sex alive, you need to make sex dates with her. Talk it over and put it in your calendar. It’s no secret that passion dissipates over time. If you haven’t had sex in a while, waiting for it to “just happen” isn’t going to happen.

Set aside a Friday evening or Sunday afternoon. Turn off your cell phones and turn on each other. Whether you plan to spend half the day in bed or just jump onto each other for a quickie, doesn’t matter. What matters is that you both show up and get it on.

3. Bring Fantasy Into the Bedroom

Everyone has a fantasy. What is yours? Do you secretly have a crush on a movie star? Did you always wish you had sex in an airplane bathroom? Does the thought of getting it on with the UPS driver make your panties damp?

Contrary to the belief of some lesbians, fantasy is good and healthy. Fantasizing does not mean you’re not into your partner. If you and your lover have never role played before, talk about what your secret desires are. If your partner is leery, let her take the lead. Here are some popular lesbian sexual fantasies to check out.

4. Try Sex Toys

When you’re getting tired of all the clothes in your closet, you go out and buy some new ones. The same is true for your sexual repertoire. The same-old, same-old may get her off time and time again, but it just gets boring. Add some spice by trying out a fun new sex toy. Vibrators come in all kinds of sizes and shapes. If either of you likes penetration, perhaps a new dildo and harness are in order. There are sex toys for every predilection, from anal plugs and breast clamps to g-spot stimulators. Change your wardrobe, get a new sex toy! Shop for one together, or surprise her on one of your sex date nights.

5. Watch Porn

There’s nothing like watching other people get it on to get you in the mood. There is all kinds of great lesbian porn out there now, so check some out. You will probably get turned on and you might learn a few new bedroom tricks. And don’t feel you have to limit yourself to lesbian porn. Many lesbians enjoy watching gay male or straight porn.

6. Read and Learn

Sex is like anything. You can always learn more and get better at it. Read lesbian erotica for stimulation and inspiration. Better yet, read it aloud to each other. Buy a lesbian sex guide like Felice Newman’s The Whole Lesbian Sex Book.

7. Be Willing

More than anything, keeping sex alive in a relationship is dependent on both partners making a commitment to do so. Be willing to take a risk and tell your partner what your needs are. Be open to hearing her desires.

8. Your Ideas

Do you have a creative idea for bring passion back to a sexless relationship? Share your lesbian bed death solutions.

Flirting Tips for Lesbians

Flirting Tips for Lesbians

How does a woman flirt with another woman? That can be tricky, especially if you do not know the sexual orientation of the object of your flirt.

There's nothing like having someone flirt with you to boost your self-esteem. Whether or not you return the attraction, it feels good to know that someone finds you attractive. Flirting is an art. It's a two-way game. You have to be able to read your partner's interest and comfort in the flirtation in order to know how to proceed.

But, if done properly, there is nothing better or more exciting than letting the electricity grow between you two in the beginning stages of a relationship. Flirting can be subtle or overt. I prefer the subtle kind.

Here's some tips for flirting:

•When you're out together, try to sit near her. Notice if she moves closer or farther away. When you're sitting on a couch and your thighs touch, what does she do? Does she let it stay or inch away?

•Look her in the eye when you are talking. Hold the stare for a little longer than you would a normal conversation.

•It may sound corny, but open a door for her to walk through.

•If you're sitting across from each other, gently put your hand on hers. Don't move it away unless she does.

•Tell her she looks nice tonight. Compliment her hair or outfit.

•Find out what makes her laugh. There's nothing like humor to cut the tension and loosen you both up.

•Offer to get her a drink if you're at a party or bar together.

•Touch her hand or shoulder when you hand her a drink.

•Tell her you've been thinking about her.

•Call her just to say hi and see what's she's been doing.

•Send her a little note that says you enjoyed spending time together. An email is okay, hand written and dropped at her door or mailed is better.

Be careful not to over do it. You don't want to seem like a stalker. Look for signs that your flirtation is unwanted. Does she get off the phone quickly when you call? Do you send her long flowery e-mails, only to get one line answers in return? If so, back off and let her come to you.

Good luck and most of all, have fun!